A Fork in the Hand of an Almighty God

I am struck sometimes by God’s work when I lay down the claim I have staked on it, and it is in these times that I like to think of myself as a fork in the hand of an almighty God.

There are some moments, some days, when I believe the word of God to be true. Now if you were to ask me at any given point in time if I thought it to be true I might not even let you finish your question before responding with an unthinking “Yes.” But if you examined my life and my heart, would the answer come so quickly? So when I say that I believed the word of God to be true in those moments, in those days, I mean to say that in them, I let God be God.

In those moments and in those days, I remember I am the fork. I am the utensil. I exist for His purposes. I breathe and I speak and I move for HIS glory. Ultimately, it is HIS will to be done. Yes, I am a servant. My stepbrother has often condemned me as a slave. And I cannot help but smile. He flatters me for he sees me positioned higher than I would ever assert myself. I don’t count myself worthy of that title. 

When I rest confidently in this identity, I find freedom. I need no agenda for I am sent on my father’s business. Be it broccoli, brussel sprouts or the like, I can be content to serve my God. And if he sets before me apple pie, I can delight in it just the same. As an instrument for His kingdom, my satisfaction is found being held in the hand of my God.

Knowing this, I am confident that I cannot go anywhere alone. As a fork cannot stab a pile of pancakes without the force of a hand and an arm and a purposeful diner, neither can I move without he propulsion of my God.

If He were to finish with me, I would simply lose my purpose, my worth, and my function. I would become decorative, a collector’s item perhaps.  One in whom people take pride in for mere appearance. I praise my God for He alone is faithful. Even when I am faithless, he remains faithful for he cannot deny himself. What is more, no one can snatch me from the hand that holds me. I belong to my God. I have eternal purpose, eternal relationship with the God of the universe.

And I find that each time I begin to tremble in fear or in worry I am stilled instantly by a squeeze of the eternal hand that engulfs me and we go back to work together.

Unsatisfied.

Mark 8:34

34 Summoning the crowd along with His disciples, He said to them, “If anyone wants to be My follower, he must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow Me.

I often sit before the Lord and beg to know and be known more fully. I have a hunger to be in an infinitely intimate relationship with the Lord. I plead with my God to draw me near, to hold and to guide me. He answers every prayer, and to this, he responds with Mark 8:34. He asks 3 things of me.

First, He asks me to deny myself. I have very little practice, and very little success when it comes to this area. Diets often fail after I encounter my first cookie. What my stomach wants, my stomach gets. This indulgence of my flesh has come at the cost of an intimacy with my God.  Dietrich Bonhoeffer puts it this way: “When the flesh is satisfied it is hard to pray with cheerfulness or to devote oneself to a life of service which calls for much self-renunciation.” It is similar to every mother’s plea that her children would not fill up on a bread plate before dinner; it ruins their appetite. In the same way, when I allow for a life-style of self-indulgence, I do not aptly recognize my incredible NEED for God. In failing to recognize a need, I increase the distance between God and myself.

His second command: “take up your cross.” On the cross, Jesus demonstrated the ultimate obedience, submitting wholly to the will of the Father. Taking up one’s cross is taking up the call of Christ to come and die. In the death of self I become alive in Christ, I begin to live real life (Col 3:3), and this life begins to look more and more like Jesus’. So, in those moments of longing for Christ, often times it comes down to a place of disobedience. Bonhoeffer again comments: “There is no fulfillment of the law apart from communion with God, and no communion with God apart from fulfillment of the law. To forget the first condition was the mistake of the Jews, and to forget the second was the temptation of the disciples.” I continue to sin against a holy God, abusing his perfect law. And, Christ alone has fulfilled the law. If I desire to leave behind the unrighteousness that drives me further from God, I must find my identity in the one who alone is “good.”

This naturally brings me to Jesus’ final command: “follow me.” In order to follow, the first two commands must be obeyed first, only then am I free to walk after Jesus. When following behind someone in a car, if I decide that I know a faster way and act on it, what right do I have to complain that we have become separated? The leader sets the course, it is upon me to follow it.

Being a Christian means loving God more than I love myself. I know that an eternity with God is a treasure worth everything I have and everything I am. But sometimes I forget. I thank Jesus every time I am reminded of his incredible forgiveness and willingness 

I Would Have Preferred the Belt

There have been only a few instances in my life where I have so clearly recognized the Lord as my Father. One of the most recent occurred when I encountered his unfathomable love for me. What made me recognize his role as Father was the discipline rod held in his hands.

I can so easily breeze through the book of Proverbs as I am told that a father who withholds the strap has no love for his child. Yet it was in the moment of holding 4 university rejection letters that I felt the sting of the belt.

My first reaction was sadness and this turned to resentment mighty fast. I had given the Lord 4 very solid options for the next 4 years of my life (all Ivy League schools), how could he do this to me? In the hour following the clean sweep of rejection, I allowed myself to speak without my typical filters. I walked the length of the park near my house and listened to the words that came spilling out of my lips. “I deserved this.” “I am better than them.” I could not stop the words from coming, and I knew that these were the honest representation of my filthy, sinful heart.

The realization of my idolatry was painful. I would have much preferred a belt. School and the immense pride that I had always derived from it had become integral to my identity. I worshipped myself, my achievements, my gifts, and college was to be the summation of all of my hard work. Those Ivy League acceptances were to be my trophies. After all, it was all about me.

This life is but a breath, and to live it in pursuit of my own glory would be to waste it. Praise God in his graciousness to discipline me, his daughter, and to remind me that this life, my college years, my ministry, none of it is about me. I am a pen, and I had been taking credit for the glorious words filling the page.

By his mercy, I am forgiven of worshipping another God, and by his grace I can surrender myself at his cross. I long to be used for his kingdom, to glorify his name. I know that I am weak, that my heart is black, but I know too that I am called out of sin into a reconciled relationship with the God of the Universe. I am sitting amongst 500 men with but a loaf of bread, but offered to the Lord, he will glorify himself.

Ponies and All.

I like to think of myself as a world renown ring leader of the most challenging and intricate circus ever to be assembled. With grace I manage to keep things in their place, to keep the bowling pins and the trapeze artist from falling. Everything appears to be a balancing act.

I can often be mistaken as maintaing this life style with ease and fairly little drama. This statement may appear prideful if you did not know that it has come at a price. I have been text book oriented from day 1. I learn quickly because I do things as they have been proven to succeed. This method has served me well in life, that is until I met Jesus.

I battle to this day to get up off my knees before the alter of Madeline. I sneak into Jesus' throne room in the middle of the night, place the crown on my head, hold his scepter, and command over the dark room, playing God. When I surrendered my life to Christ, he demanded that I give up my circus too. Ponies and all.

When it comes to making decisions I struggle to trust. When I struggle to trust, I go back to my books. I can always tell when I am worshipping myself when I find myself no longer satisfied, when I find myself worrying. Jesus promises to give me real life now and eternal life after I die. But the catch is trusting in him.

Jesus was a bit of a maverick. He was not your conventional religious teacher. The things he taught, often the way he taught them, and the people who he chose to teach all defied orthodoxy. That is exactly what I signed up for. So if Jesus says to me, "toss another bowling pin in, you can handle another!" I will trust him and toss it in. If he tells me, "let the trapeze artist fall," so be it. (I never did like that trapeze artist anyways).

Joy. Works better than a hotdog.

I had a friend growing up and we were in a perpetual state of competition. One-upping each other seemed to be the aim of life. For years we did this, always trying to appear the happiest, or to be having the most fun. 

I got tired first, so I started to let her win. In all honesty, I started finding real joy in things that she did not seem to care one ounce about. Therefore, we both declared ourselves victorious. And then our "friendship" ended. We did not have much in common after all.

This joy which was so much less glamorous came from a knowledge of the Lord and a restored relationship with my creator. What is incredible to me is the joy which a relationship with the Lord Almighty affords. Simply knowing him brings a smile to my face. Christians should be the happiest people in existence. 

There is no blending into society as a Christ follower. Your joy should be so apparent and so weird, that people are intrigued. My competitive friendship taught me something: people are attracted to happiness, even the appearance of happiness. This is something everyone yearns for, and most will do anything to even establish a facade of contentment for their peers. 

Jesus taught his disciples how to "fish for men." What better bait is there for man than a life of incessant joy and love? "Let your light shine before men" Jesus says, and let the people see what rich, "abundant" life is in Christ.  

"Good" People Murdered Jesus.

My mom is a "Christian," but she has made some adaptations to the definition. Her favorite line is "...but I am a good person..." She is also under the belief that everyone will go to heaven if they are simply "good" people.

"Good" people murdered Jesus. The Pharisees were, in their culture, "moral." They were obedient to the strictest of laws, heck they were even circumcised. If that doesn't a "moral" man make, I am not sure what does.

Paul says in Romans 2:29 that "a person is a Jew who is one inwardly, and circumcision is of the heart- by the Spirit, not the letter..." According to this guy, religion is actually an enemy of Jesus. An institution that would cause self-righteousness and pride, and reliance on one's own power is in direct opposition to the message of the cross. By GRACE Jesus died and offers forgiveness of sin.

First of all, we NEED that grace. If we could do it on our own, God wouldn't have bothered with a savior. Second of all, Jesus did not die to impose a law, but to fulfill it. We need a savior. God sent a savior. And now we can have life by his name! There is no being "good enough." That does not exist. There is only grace.

Paul finishes that section by saying "His praise (the real Jew) is not from men but from God." This makes the most sense of it all. When we are in exile from God, cut off in sin, we seek satisfaction, love, all that God gives, from our idols. We live in a world that, because it is ruled by Satan, praises that which Satan praises. Our culture will tell us that we are naturally "good" people, and many take that praise and run with it. It is a lie, and the satisfaction, love, and praise will all fail. Jesus alone is good, and he offers his own righteousness to us. That is good news.

Yes, I hear it too. That is a Heartbeat.

I was humbled this morning when I read Proverbs 27:1 "Don't boast about tomorrow, for your don't know what a day might bring."

Recently, I have realized that my life has been caught up in the future, in my plans. There have been college applications to fill out, my mom is getting married, I am moving to a new city, I may get to go to France. The majority of my thoughts have been dominated by the things to come.

I had a moment of clarity this morning as I began to realize that I was planning on living a certain way, planning on loving a certain way, changing in the future, but I was almost on autopilot. When I allowed myself to get caught up in where I will be in a month, two, or six, I didn't focus on the day before me and the grace that had been allotted. I am breathing, I woke up this morning, and my heart is beating. Oh there it goes again. What precious time I have been given, and I do not want to waste it by not being present in it.

This inspired a new year's resolution. I do not want to have my cell phone out in social circumstances. It is a pet peeve of mine and I want to be fully present in all encounters in order to best utilize the opportunities given to me by the Lord. If I know that the purpose of my life is to love God and to love people, then my phone is not as important.

About a week ago, I had a day where I allowed myself to plan nothing, but kind of wander, just to see where I would end up and who I would meet. I went to an estate sale, I meandered through downtown, and I slept on a bench in a public park. After this, I went to a coffee shop to sit and read. After 5 minutes, a man introduced himself as Francis. He had studied in Oxford and was home for the holidays. I was able to share Christ with him and share part of my story. He had to leave after 30 minutes, but as I continued to sit there, the lady across from me, having overheard the conversation, then began to ask me questions. We talked about Christ and his incredible work in our lives for some time after that and then exchanged contact information. I left that coffee shop praising God for his awesome power and love, and how he desires to use someone like me.

So, resolved as I am to be fully present, I am eager to see the Lord work in my willing body.